My Alcohol Abuse
Thinking I had to create this fantastic being I wanted to be and that in order for me to be her and achieve that particular feeling, I needed someone or someTHING to help me get there.
It starts out fairly innocently but like wild fires this too spread like the plague. Soon I was full-on drinking from Wednesday to Sunday with no shame, all the time. Seeing reasoning and feeling accepted. Like I was part of a group, something special; living large.
Looking back now, we all had a bunch of problems, mine was self destruction and alcohol abuse. We were all abusing it. I was drinking beer steadily up through lunch; every single day and if not at lunch by the time we got back to the office I'd have a sip of something to keep me going till after-work karaoke time.
Being surrounded by others that enabled this behavior, I had no need to lie or hide it. Drinking made me think I felt better, it allowed me to do things I normally wouldn't have done. I was using alcohol to silence the noise inside. And I'm surprised I didn't see it coming.
I had black outs, was a heavy binge drinker and I did some crazy-ass things; horrible things — sometimes seemingly unforgivable things, yet it was hard to stop drinking. I liked it, I loved the people I drank with and in my eyes I had it under control. Truth be told, I didn't want to stop drinking and that's what made it hard.
But I felt like crap. I felt like I wasn't me that I had to drink in order to be this version that people liked to be with.
But most of all, I wasn't who I wanted to be, for myself or my boys.
So there I was after a night of sushi and wine (sounds so innocent), lying on the floor of the shower - again, feeling sick and disappointed. How did it come to this? Why do I feel the need to drink so much I literally wouldn't be able to remember if their weren't pictures. And phew, that's embarrassing; pictures.
I don't want to feel like this ever again - ever.
All and all it took me years to finally stop drinking, but after that night, really truly not wanting to ever feel like that again, I was sober for 4 years. I lost friends and people I considered family. I might have pushed them away because I needed that space to figure out what was next. I needed time to mend myself for me.
Losing some wonderful people has been hard for me, but sometimes the only thing we can do to heal ourselves is walk away.
Maybe one day I will be able to mend those bridges too, and I am truly sorry if I hurt anyone because of my decisions.
In my case it turns out that when you fix what's inside you can actually have a glass of wine without blacking out at 6 in the morning. It's now been over 7 years from that last black out and nowadays I will occasionally have a drink; but never overboard, never drunk.
I know alcoholics have a totally different situation and I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, I'm just telling you my story as it is.
When I started to focus on the feeling inside and how I wanted to feel physically, I was able to realize that my drinking was only silencing my pain not helping me heal from it. For me, wanting to feel good EVERY SINGLE DAY was the choice I made to over come this delusion of a better life; and just start living a real one.
It has never crossed my mind to be afraid to talk about my story, my recovery. It's not something to be ashamed of or afraid of. It's part of who I am. And if something I say can help somebody somewhere, even better.