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  • Writer's pictureSarah M.

I'm a Cheater

Once a cheater always a cheater? Am I? Will I?

Yes, I admit not always being faithful and therefore hurting a lot of people. And as faith would have it, I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and especially in the wrong state of mind for shit to hit the fan. Anything and everything that could have taken me down this path did happen and it is so embarrassing to talk about.

So let’s backtrack for a second. In case you clicked this because you’re considering on cheating, but you haven’t gone through with it yet, I won't be giving you advice, this ain't a how-to. Maybe you are miserable in your current relationship? Or you are perfectly happy but ideally you’d also like to boink your cute coworker? I am not going to tell you what to do either way, it's not my place. I'm here to tell you my side of my story.

First of all, I never planned on cheating and when it happened I felt all the emotions. After the hangover wore off and I was faced with the reality, I was prepared to be stabbed by Satan’s pitchfork in hell, a sinner.

But unfortunately it didn't stop there. See, I was chasing a feeling and replacing it with this overwhelming cheap fix. I thought that this high would satisfy my true needs; needs that in the end only I could give myself. But like I said I silenced all reason, others feelings and being honest to the point where I didn't care, about others or myself.

Let me make one thing clear - me being a cheater had nothing to do with how good a person my partner was or wasn't, it was solely about how I felt, what I wanted and needed. I had thought that I deserved all the temptations around me even if they were fake. And by blindly going through with this terrible behavior I was inevitably self destructive and at some point would go off like a bomb. Which it obviously did.

Sometimes cheating is a cheap way to get out of a relationship, sometimes it's a result of suppressing needs and feelings and sometimes simply having an opportunity to cheat can make infidelity more likely. This doesn't mean everyone who has the opportunity to cheat will cheat it's just one of those situations where it could happen.

In my case it might seem like a combination of all the above but what I learned was, I was filling a need of something totally different with something that in the end could never replace it. What I needed was a healthier relationship with myself. I needed to make myself feel good, that was my job. No one-night stand or a lengthy affair would ever do what I ultimately did for myself. I started repairing the damage that had happen in my life, acknowledging what I needed and creating a true relationship with myself and one day with a partner.

It was too late when I realized the emotional turmoil and unspeakable betrayal I had caused. It was 100% my fault what had happened. I was remorseful and disgusted by my actions, I felt like and had been a total ass. I was unsure if the feeling would ever pass, if I could be and do better. And though my relationship had ended with my partner, I wondered if I would ever I be able to shake that hollow, emptiness or the feeling of guilty.

So as I moved to mend the wounds I had caused and fix what was wrong, I had to start with myself. Start paying attention to what I needed, finding out what love meant to me, teaching myself how I wanted to receive love and being responsible of giving it to myself.

I never fully got a chance to right all the wrong and people have had to go on without the proper apology they deserve. I still carry shame because of that, but I hope that over the years time has given those I have hurt, whatever it is for them to enjoy life today.

I don't know if it's true that a cheater will always be a cheater but I believe that when change comes from the cheater themselves, where they do the work and truly improve, that it is possible to change and to do better.

You don't find your worth in a man or woman, you find it in yourself - and then you attract those who are worthy of your energy - Vex King

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